Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
