Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
