One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
