I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
