I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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