u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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