... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
