Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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