I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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