I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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