I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
