she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
