so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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