I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
