Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
