The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
