Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
bring money and cleavage
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
