I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
