Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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