That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I can feel your judgement through the phone
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
