Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
