I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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