The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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