Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
