Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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