Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
