having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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