The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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