My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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