We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
