went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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