did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
