someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I want to be your penis for a week.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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