So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
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You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
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The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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