At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
