they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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