So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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