The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
