life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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