I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
