you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
