I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
