god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
