Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
