people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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