Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i will never coherently bang her
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
