My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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