I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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