I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
this beer tastes like vomit already
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
