i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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