i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
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Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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