in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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