when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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