He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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