im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
